Where should she start? Everything was too much. She had to be brave. She had to be strong.
She sighed, she decided to be really blunt -- she might've been too blunt.
"If you didn't take me to the hospital last night," She swallowed. "I could've died."
Her voice shook, she couldn't bare to look in his eyes; when she did her heart fell.
Jim didn't really know what to say. It wasn't as though this was something that you heard everyday. He hadn't done anything special. Jim was sure that he had just done what any other person would do.
"I just- I did what made sense. It wasn't anything special."
She sighed and looked down.
"I'm sorry I've kept this from you -- but I have epilepsy, the reason why I had that episode last night was because I didn't take my medicine."
A tear slid down her cheek; he was nevous.
"I'm so sorry -- it's just, I didn't want you to worry about me."
Jim shook his head.
"No." he paused. "I get it. I mean, it's not my business. You didn't want to tell me. I just- I get why you wouldn't want to. It's all right."
He sighed and looked down at the ground again. "Don't apologize."
Karen closed her eyes.
"No -- Jim, don't act like this is okay, it's not, I know you want to say to yell at me. Do something -- just -- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry," She stops and takes a short breath. "I'm ... this isn't right. Look at me Jim! Have you ever seen me like this?"
She was shaking visibly now, he tried to let out a hand to steady her but he stopped.
Jim shook his head again.
"Karen. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not mad at you. You don't have to be sorry."
He couldn't get mad at her for something that she couldn't control.
She let out a soft cry.
"I did something wrong -- I kept this from you, how would you feel if I just died right there? It would be my own damn fault."
She glanced up at him and frowned -- she buried her face in his chest.
Jim shook his head. "No."
He patted her awkwardly on her back.
"It's not your fault. Just- it doesn't matter anymore. You're okay now. And that's- the rest of it doesn't matter."
She looks up at him, she knew him and Pam were something now. She didn't know what but they were something.
"What about you and Pam?"
Jim stared up at the sky for a moment, as though the answer to Karen's question was written up among the clouds, and in some way, he might know what to say to her.
It didn't make sense to him.Why were they suddenly talking about Pam? She really did not have anything to do with the conversation and Karen’s sudden concern the two of them was making Jim even more confused.
"I- What do you mean?" he asked.
She didn't know to say, she didn't know how to think anymore. She was surprised of his reaction, ...
"Are you guys official or what?" She stops. "Are we officially broken up?"
"It's your call."
Jim didn't know what to say. He more that he thought about it though, the more he was sure that it had been Karen who had broken up with him. Hadn't she said that she 'couldn't do this'? Jim remembered it and he had been sure that she had meant that they were over when she said it. There was nothing else that she could have possibly meant by it. Nothing that Jim could see, anyway.
"You broke up with me." He said flatly. He figured that he would keep the whole dynamic between him and Pam out of the conversation for as long as he could. He knew, and he was sure she did too, that if he and Karen kept going on like this, they were going to end up hurting each other and saying things that they didn't really mean.
Karen stops. She doesn't remember saying that to Jim or even thinking it.
"I-I said that?" She said, swallowing hard. "Jim -- last night was baad. It was really bad, and I coudln't handle so much at once. Me saying 'I couldn't do this anymore,' meant to me that I couldn't stand watching myself -- trying to get you to love me."
She looks up at him, with a small smile.
"Guess I tried too hard, huh?"
Jim shook his head.
He paused. This was really confusing now. He didn't know what to do or what to say. Pam had told him not to tell Karen about them if he could help it. They had to keep it discreet. Neither of them wanted to hurt Karen. And Karen sort of had a point, a small one at that.
"This is...confusing." Jim said with a nervous laugh.
Karen smiled a little bit, then sighed.
"Yeah it is."
She cleared her throat and realized she was probably making things much worse. But she wanted to know the truth.
"Knowing won't hurt me Jim you know," She said, laughing a little bit. "The only thing I'm afraid of losing is our friendship."
Jim stared at her quizzically.
He thought he had some idea of what she wanted to know. More importantly, he was almost positive that he knew what it was that Karen wanted him to say. Well, maybe she didn't want him to say it, but Jim thought that she had a pretty good idea of what was coming.
Jim took a deep breath and let out a sigh. "Remember when you asked me if I loved her back?" he was sure that Karen knew he meant Pam. "And I said I didn't know? I-" he paused. "I do. Now."
She had a feeling -- no -- she knew he loved her back. There was no denying that he loved Pam. She didn't blame him. He was honest with her.
"Yeah..." She sighed, then smiled softly. "How come it was so difficult for you to actually say you did love her?"
She touched his arm gently, "Whatever happens -- are we still friends?"
She winced a little bit, afraid of what he would say.
Jim just stood there for a moment. He nodded in answer to her last question. Of course they could still be friends. There was absolutely nothing wrong with that. Anyway, they had been friends first.
"I didn't tell you before, because I wasn't sure if I still felt- I didn't want to get hurt again. And I didn't want to hurt you. I should have told you about Pam before we came here." he paused "But I didn't think it would mean anything anymore."
She shrugged, it wasn't really a big deal. Yeah, she wishes he told her and she could understand why he wouldn't tell her.
"It's okay, love - has it's ups and downs. Nothing you can do to change that," She swallowed. "I'm sorry for getting so angry."